Aside from the obvious neglect of this blog, I have been neglecting other things in my life. I wonder what causes these tasks to be pushed to the back burner. Is it a lack of interest, is it simply a lethargic cloud that has settled in, or could it be a fear of disappointment?
I firmly believe that a fear of failure, more specifically of disappointment, governs the majority of people's actions. We aren't so much afraid to fail, but afraid of what that failure means. It could mean letting yourself down, or even letting down someone you care about.
For instance, I have a stack of essays that I have been meaning to grade, but after grading the first set, and being horribly disappointed in the end products of my unit of teaching, everyday I place these at the bottom of my stack to be graded. Ironically, I carry them home everyday in my school bag, I tote them on weekends, I even bring them to the library and the coffee shop. And these essays, which have become the albatross around my neck, are all on The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner itself. There must be humor there for someone.
More importantly, this neglect has reached a deeper status. I have neglected to make some important decisions. Almost daily I become wrought with frustration over the ambivalence which has become my "destiny," yet I am paralyzed from action. I simply must make up my mind: Atlanta, or New York. Yet, it is so complicated, so ominous, so involved, that I choose to simply make no motion.
The past couple days I have been pushing forward; beginning with what my new career should be. This is step is quite frustrating, and I am still at a loss as to what I think I would enjoy/ be good at doing. But this fret is nothing new to the experience of humanity, so I am sure it will workout in the end. I just cannot sit back any longer. The season change has inspired growth somewhere within me.
On the positive side, I have not been neglecting to go to the gym and cook healthy meals, and for that I am actually a little proud of myself. At least I will be a healthy unemployed vagrant!
